Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
