I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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