oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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