have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
