Dude my mom stole all your condoms
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Someone came in the potted fern
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
