btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
