So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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