I cannot find my penis.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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