4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
