I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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