i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
