wrigley field is MILF paradise
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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