No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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