So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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