so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
