I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
