my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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