My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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