im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
