How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
