Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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