Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
