my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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