Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
