my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
