the condom got lost in my hair
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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