Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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