that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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