wrigley field is MILF paradise
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
