I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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