why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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