Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
