I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just had sex on a roof
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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