Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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