i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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