Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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