This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize