a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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