Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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