I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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