1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
