When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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