last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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