fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
