Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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