you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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