Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
