her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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