i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
