day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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