you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
