i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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