I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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