It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
