I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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