Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
