we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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