I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
