Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
