life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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