Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
