too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
