I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it was like eating out sand paper
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
